Always look on the bright side – the things that made me smile in February.

With Winter almost over the horizon and turning to give its last wave until it sees us again at the back end of the year (or sporadically from August if you live in the north), Spring had undoubtedly brightened things up. So, last month had a few more than just the regular five things to smile about!

My birthday. One of the first things I had to smile about was my birthday. I normally don’t really care about it that much and find that the family make much more of a fuss than me, which in its own way is of course very nice. However, this year felt different. Firstly, we didn’t make any plans to go out because there was torrential rain for the whole day. In turn, that made things all the more relaxing. One of my presents was tickets to see The Shawshank Redemption at a theatre in Leeds, which I was really pleased with. But then I realised that I’d never watched the film. None of us had. And so, we spent my birthday afternoon together, snacking and watching what is largely felt to be one of the greatest films ever released. It was a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

Local paper steals my headline! I could have got quite annoyed about this, but in the end it just made me smile. It came about because a local journalist put a story out on Twitter (sadly now X) about Newcastle’s Champions League tie in Baku. The story referenced a song that our fans have been singing for years, to the tune of Que Sera, Sera – ‘Tell me mam, me mam, I won’t be home for tea, we’re going to Wembley’. So, a celebration of a certain achievement where the ‘tea’ and ‘Wembley’ rhyme. But for his headline the journalist had just ended it with Azerbaijan, which doesn’t rhyme with ‘tea’…or with much at all! So, I left a comment saying wouldn’t be better as ‘scran’ (a dialect word for food) instead of ‘tea’. The journalist got back to me saying that I was right. Later however, the newspaper that said journalist writes for sent out a link to an article about our fans being in Baku, Azerbaijan’s capital, using my version of the song as their headline! Have a look for yourself!

Abandoned island for sale. This was a story I read about an island that has been put up for sale. It’s in the Dwyryd Estuary in North Wales, very close to where we go on holiday every year. Apparently there are 17 acres containing a farmhouse that is in need of major renovation. Had I have been 20 years younger – and a lot richer – I’d have been tempted to have a look and maybe even put in a bid!

Spring. Plain and simple. The nights are getting lighter. As are the mornings, come to think of it. Having had the last few months where I’ve been leaving for work in the dark and then heading home in the dark, it’s very much smileworthy to not have to do it anymore! Spring also means that I can see new life everywhere and – old romantic that I am – I really like seeing buds come back on to plants, flowers appearing and the like. They’re just a sign of better things to come.

The Alternative Guide to Qarabag. As I mentioned previously in this column, Newcastle United played a Champions League tie in Azerbaijan recently. And, as I write for a Newcastle fan site, I was inspired to write a piece on this. However, rather than write a straightforward preview of the match I wanted to do something different. Many years ago I wrote for another Newcastle website and what we wrote was largely silly, imaginative (made up) pieces that looked at the club in a very different way. So for my Qarabag piece I decided to write an alternative guide which mixed a small amount of factual stuff with loads of made up bits about Qarabag. It was just a piece that I hoped would raise some smiles and maybe even a few chuckles. More than that though, it gave me the chance to write something completely different as well as rolling back the years a bit and remembering writing in my twenties without a care in the world. The piece is on the link below if anyone fancies a read.

NUFC in the Champions League – The alternative guide to Qarabag.

The Qarabag result. Qarabag 1 Newcastle United 6. The game was played over two legs and we won by an aggregate score of 9-3 in the end. However, that first game was superb and we were absolutely ruthless. Suffice to say, after all of the build up, it left me with a big smile on my face!

Marsden Moor. At half term me and my son ventured out past Huddersfield to take a hike across the beautiful Marsden Moor. It was a cold wet day, which was bad enough, but when we got up onto the moor it wasn’t long before we encountered snow. We were well equipped for what we were doing though and so the snow didn’t really provide an obstacle. What did hinder us was some badly worded instructions and a wrong turn that not only took us about a mile out of our way, but also led to us tackling some very narrow and steep paths. And of course it was at this point that the rain decided to properly lash down as well. Despite the conditions, despite painful feet and ankles from my boots and despite how tired we both were, the day was brilliant. Spending that time with my son was time incredibly well spent and there were smiles throughout the day.

Jigsaw puzzle lovers raise £15k for charity. This is a great story. During the first Covid lockdown Lynn Pearl and her husband Gideon started a puzzle library where people could lend jigsaws. This has now grown from the 80 they started with to over 3000 mainly donated jigsaws that are lent out at £1 a time. On average 40-50 jigsaws per day are loaned out at their village hall and this has led to them donating over £15k to local food charities across the years.

Chris Ramsey. Chris Ramsey is a fantastically funny comedian and we were lucky enough to go and watch one of his gigs last month in Halifax. Obviously you’d judge a comedy show on how much you laughed, but when you come out and your face aches with laughing, you know it’s been a brilliant night. Handily, I’ve added my review of the gig below, if anyone wants to find out about the gig! Comedy Review: Chris Ramsey at Halifax Victoria Theatre.

So, lots of positives found in February, which was a good job because the weather was horrendous! I hope some of it made you smile too. On to March and to see how much I’m smiling once that’s out of the way!

NUFC: This might be a defining moment for all of us.

Like many others I watched the videos of Barcelona players arriving at Matfen Hall at the weekend with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. You can’t help but feel excited at the prospect of any Champions League tie, but this one is special for many reasons. This could well be the start of one of the most important periods in the history of the club.

Not to start inventing a rivalry, but we’ve been here before. This will be the sixth time we’ve faced Barca in the Champions League and while any game against them will bring back memories of September 1997 and Tino Asprilla, it shouldn’t be forgotten that this was the only time we’ve beaten them in the Champions League. It might just be time to start thinking about putting that right. So, as if we didn’t know already, the pressure’s on.

A win on Tuesday would be incredible, but sadly we can’t really trust in the logic that it would represent a turning point in out season. You only have to go back to the Man Utd home game to see that. The story of the season is that we can’t seem to string wins or performances together. But a win on Tuesday would surely prove something to the players. Even a draw would help.

Beating Barcelona would be monumental, but only for a short time. We mustn’t forget that it’s a two legged tie. So making the first leg competitive is essential. Having gone to the Etihad a few weeks back with little or no chance of a comeback we should have learned a lesson. Stay in the tie.

Heading to the Nou Camp for a dead rubber simply cannot happen (although I understand it could). So while we have problems with both injuries and form, the occasion and its importance should be enough for the players and staff. Eddie Howe needs to find the tactics that give us the edge and the players need to find the desire to win or at least stay in the game, which to be fair to them, they’ve managed in the Champions League this year.

There are several players who it could be said have something to prove. Nick Woltemade, while to me a player with real quality, seems to be the scapegoat for a lot of people at the moment. It’d be great to see him played further up the field and for him to grab a goal. Yoan Wissa has flattered to deceive since joining the club and is due a performance. And it would be fantastic to see Anthony Elanga use that pace and get at his full back, if he starts. Whoever does start and whoever enters the fray as a sub, this is a time for heroes.

As a team, this is about how we approach the challenges ahead. The ground will no doubt be a bear pit and yet nothing new for Barcelona’s players. The fans will undoubtedly do their part though. So, it’s very much over to Eddie and the players. Stay in the tie against Barcelona and then go on to Chelsea and try to do it all again. And then it’s a showdown with everything to play for at the Nou Camp. The stuff of dreams. Players, fans and staff have the experience and the know how to make this a successful week. Don’t get me wrong, beating Barcelona is a mammoth task and the odds are stacked against us, but surely it’s moments like this in life that we all live for? So why not throw everything you can at the task in hand?

Fellow fans, make it a bear pit, raise the roof and get right behind the lads. Then hopefully, the team can respond with something very special. And when all else fails just remember, it could be worse. We could be playing Port Vale!

Howay Eddie Howe’s Champions League lads!

The usual drama, but a much needed win!

As a Newcastle fan of almost 50 years I’ve gotten used to the fact that there will always be moments. Over the years there have been more bad moments than good ones, but after a while you get used to that and learn to savour the good ones even more.

Last night’s game was packed with moments and all the ups and downs of a pantomime, so isn’t it a shame that yet again one of the main ones was brought about by inept refereeing. But more of that later.

Our performance against Manchester United was the type that we had gotten used to during Eddie Howe’s tenure. High energy, committed, quick. However it was also the type of performance that we are seeing less and less of this season. Regardless, it was wonderful to watch, especially against that lot.

There were a lot of magnificent individual performances across the park. You could name every player and not be wrong. But some stood out more than others and it was nice to not just be praising Lewis Hall for once.

Kieran Trippier was magnificent. He’s been doubted all season; past it apparently, the legs have gone. Well last night he led like a legend, throwing himself into challenges, urging the lads on, making clearance after clearance and always keeping the ball safe with intelligent passing.

Dan Burn was peak Dan Burn. A captain without the armband, but also throwing in a few incredible 50 yard passes to switch the play across to Tripps. Arron Ramsdale, in for Nick Pope, was in fine form and kept us in the game when it could have slipped away.

In midfield, Joelinton rolled back the years with an all action display, driving us forward and breaking up opposition play with that familiar aggression that we’ve all come to love. Alongside him, Sandro Tonali was the midfield maestro from Milano once more.

It was fantastic to see that intensity can still be our identity and all the better for Will Osula’s crowning moment. Many of us would have settled for a draw at that point, but while Kieran Trippier possibly just saw an out ball and Dan Burn has admitted that he was screaming for Osula to take it to the corner, the man himself had other glorious ideas!

And what an idea it was!

However, for much of the final hour of the match many of us would have been preoccupied with Peter Bankes and the pantomime that he cobbled together alongside his pals from Manchester; the villain of the piece, making the rules up as he went along. A bizarre performance capped off by his inability to keep control or even time. Two yellows for Ramsey when you could argue that neither was worthy of a card. Yes, he went down, but firstly there was contact, secondly he just looked to have lost his footing and finally, he didn’t appeal in any way for a penalty. But I suppose when Man Utd are appealing for the sending off it’d be rude not to.

On several occasions Bankes failed to issue a card when Man Utd players waved imaginary yellows at him. And when Bruno Fernandes added telling him to f*** off twice later in the match, he ignored that too.

Next, he conveniently forgot how to tell the time, which when your watch is presumably digital is quite some feat! At the end of the first half Bankes basically played until our opposition scored. Maybe he forgot who their manager was.

In the end we overcame it all and 10 men or 12, 95 minutes or 99, the only numbers that mattered were those of the scoreline.

Mick Hucknall, Deirdre Barlow, Shaun and Bez, the little fella out of Take That…your boys took one helluva beating!

Book Review : ‘I’m not with the band’ by Sylvia Patterson.

If you’re a music lover you may well have given thought to how you might get yourself a slice of that there scene, at some point. Growing up as an avid reader of the NME and Melody Maker, amongst other music based publications, writing for them was something I wondered how to do, but never dreamed that I’d be able to do it. I couldn’t play an instrument and would have been far too nervous a boy to give signing a go, so writing came in as a close second. But in those pre-internet days, and with only a school careers officer and the local library to rely on, I never worked out how to follow my dream and by the time I did, it was far too late.

Sylvia Patterson, on the other hand, found that music was among her only real interests and, force of nature that she seems to have been, found herself a job that would lead to her writing for the NME, not just reading it! And she’s been writing about music ever since.

‘I’m not with the band’ tells of her adventures in music in a career that, at the time of publication, had just gone beyond 30 years. As you’d imagine there’s lots of the expected hedonism of following bands and artists around. There are tons of tales of the somewhat anarchic and also juvenile things that happened when Silvia was a writer on the sadly missed Smash Hits. It seems that their motto was something like ‘either make it up, take the piss or both’ which sounds right up my street!

There’s also loads of really interesting stuff about big hitters like Madonna, the Manics, Prince, U2, Beyonce, New Order and Oasis and yet you’re often left with the reality that Patterson’s life as a writer isn’t at all as glamorous as you’d imagine. In fact, at times I was thankful for falling into being an English teacher just for the sake of my own safety and sanity! But then you read stuff about people like Black Grape and a notorious trip to the Caribbean to record a video, as well as Cypress Hill and Eminem it helps you to see that while life as a music writer isn’t glamorous, it’s rarely dull.

And ultimately, that’s the saddest part of this memoir. I’d set out into reading it thinking that meeting all of those musicians and following them round the world would be enormously fulfilling and glamorous. But it doesn’t seem to have been so for Patterson. The pay seems barely enough to get by on and the perks never really seem, well, perky enough. In fact our writer seems at her happiest just when taking the piss out of pop stars early on in her career at Smash Hits.

Patterson also details the decline of the music press as well as the closure of many magazines that we may well have read back in the day. The internet has a lot to answer for and part of it is that writers like Sylvia Patterson are forced to work as freelancers, surviving on scraps really. Again, not what we’d expect from someone who on the surface of things, seems to have the kind of job we’d all kill for.

‘I’m not with the band’ is a fantastic, illuminating read. For starters, it’s just very, very funny. But then there’s also a great deal of depth too. Patterson clearly thinks that music – and writing about it – is something life changing. And she’s right. And so the book is equal parts vibrant, honest and thoughtful. With tales of just anyone you could think of within the British music scene of the last 30 years, ‘I’m not with the band’ is a must read for all music lovers.

I give ‘I’m not with the band’…

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Comedy Review: Chris Ramsey at Halifax Victoria Theatre.

In our house, I know there’s going to be a good night when we have an early tea. Usually, we eat anywhere between 8 and 9pm – late, I know, but we’re very continental, don’t you know – but when we’re off out, it has to be early. And tonight, we’re off out to see Chris Ramsey in Halifax, which is about a 35 minute drive away, so it’s a case of wolfing down a pasta bake after work, getting ready and then out the door!

Support tonight is provided by Carl Hutchinson. Like Chris, he’s a Geordie and a very funny one at that. And it’s always great when the support act is worth watching, especially when it’s someone that you were previously unaware of.

Carl’s set centres around marriage and fatherhood and how basically, it’s ridiculously hard work. As a fellow dad, it’s a very relatable set and there’s lots to laugh about. There’s a particular bit about the instructions for flat pack furniture which really rings true!

There’s laughs from both of us when he’s discussing the peaks and troughs of marriage and children though and it feels particularly satisfying when Carl tells us about older parents looking at his toddler and telling him, ‘Enjoy her when she’s this age’! I’ve even said it myself very recently when I know that the truth is more than likely that you’re really not going to enjoy the sleepless night, the nappies and the copious amounts of kid vomit!

Hutchinson saves both the best and worst tale until last and the story of his traumatic holiday poo – yes, really – is both cringeworthy and absolutely hilarious at the same time. He’s touring in the autumn and I’d highly recommend him if you like a laugh.

After a twenty minute break it’s time for Chris Ramsey and he strides on amidst a load of dry ice, loud music and flashing lights. Some entrance, but one that his comedy will definitely live up to. And when he tells us early on that tonight’s show is packed with stuff he can’t talk about on his podcast we know we’re in for a night of juicy tales!

Like Hutchinson before him, Chris spends a lot of his time on stage talking about life as a husband and father, all with the underlying proviso that we remember ‘but I love them, couldn’t live without them…’ which only serves to make it all even funnier.

Ramsey has been very successful in the last few years as the podcast that he does with wife Rosie has really taken off. Coupled with his individual success it has led to the pair ‘moving up in the world’ or as Chris himself puts it, getting above our station. So the show looks at life as a husband and parent having moved out of his home town of South Shields and out to leafy Northumberland. There’s no arrogance and no side here, by the way, he’s just as personable and funny as ever about it all. In fact, he’s very open when he tells us that it just didn’t work out and that they’ve been dragged back down by the universe!

Stand out moments here include his ‘remodelling’ of the Northumberland house complete with some ducks who ended up taking a very disappointing holiday in his back garden after he’d filled in the pond. There are tales of wanting to fight other dads – Chris is a blue belt in Brazilian Jiujitsu while also being, in his own words, ‘soft as shite’ – as well as the sharp theatre wide intake of breath when he declares that being a dad is harder than being a mam! And it’s no surprise when I find my wife laughing harder than me at this particular section!

Ramsey also does a little bit about the difference between being a ‘mummy’ and being a ‘mam’ which, being a Geordie with a mam, has me laughing like a drain.

The second half of the set covers how his professional life also took a bit of a battering after appearances on Soccer AM – he was subsequently banned from the show for life! – This Morning with Phil and Holly, where him and Rosie were the last guests before the presenting team, shall we say, ‘changed’ and appearances on the Graham Norton Show alongside P Diddy and then Will Smith. If you have a think I’m sure you can work out why he feels he might just be cursed!

The show closes with the tale of that appearance on Graham Norton with Will Smith. Or at least it sort of does, because the appearance that we may have witnessed on TV was not quite how it actually went. But don’t worry, Chris’ management have a video of how it really went which absolutely brings the house down!

While an early tea hints at a good night to follow, in our house we also gauge how funny something is on a sliding scale. At the top end of that scale you’re either crying laughing or your face hurts from laughing. Or both. Tonight, Chris Ramsey is at the top of the scale from beginning to end and leaves the stage to a thoroughly well deserved standing ovation.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Always Look on the Bright Side…Five Things That Made Me Smile in January.

So, a new year comes round again and for lots of us it’s time for major change…at least for a month until we get bored and go back to being our usual selves. Well, there’ll be no New Year, New Me here! But what there will be is the usual monthly feature looking for a few positives in life. So what turned my frown upside down in January?

Photographer recreates that iconic ET moment. This was a story from Wales where a photographer and his mate spent almost two years trying to recreate the iconic ET and Elliot flying across the moon moment. Michael Meighan and his mate Nathan Edwards had patiently tried everything to get the shot just right over the years, but something always got in their way. And with only twelve full moons per year, chances were limited. Eventually though, with Nathan pushing his bike – complete with taped on teddy bear covered in a blanket as E.T. – and Michael over a mile away watching through a viewfinder outside his house, they got the perfect shot as you can see below!

The Fast Show. The Fast Show was a huge influence on me in my twenties. A sketch show that just made me laugh and laugh. Full of ridiculous characters and catchphrases that just became part of everyday life in our house and in every workplace that I entered during that era. So, it was great to read about its new found popularity in January. Apparently, due to internet clips and an ‘An Evening with…’ tour by most of the stars last year the show has reached a whole new audience. Too right, as well. Whether it was Ken and Kenneth, two overly familiar gentlemen’s outfitters, Bob Fleming coughing his way through another show or even a Peruvian flute troop cropping up in the most unusual places, it was always my favourite show.

Tynemouth Igloo. As a native of the North East of England I’m always on the lookout for local news, even though I haven’t lived there for almost 30 years now. The North East will always feel like home. So in early January, when there was a lot of snow about, I was instantly attracted to a news story about someone building an igloo in Tynemouth, a coastal town near Newcastle. Two brothers, Isaac and Jakob had spent 15 hours building an igloo using plastic tubs to help with building blocks. The result was something that it seemed like the whole community would use over the next few snowy days.

Care Home Residents’ Podcast. This one really made me smile. Three residents of a care home in Birmingham have developed a podcast after a member of staff told them they’d be great at it. Doreen (92), Maureen (88) and Anne (92) now host ‘Do You Remember the Time?’, talking about just how life has changed over the years. And despite their initial reservations about the technology involved, they’ve found out that it’s just like having a chat with friends over dinner. As someone who’s fast approaching my retirement years it’s good to know that the future might be a bit more fun than I’d imagined.

Amazing miniatures. Having spent hours of his childhood making Airfix models, Lee Smithson has turned his hobby into a business and now makes miniatures that bring other people’s memories to life. And they’re amazing! Lee now runs Sheffield Miniatures, taking commissions to make everything from a recreation of someone’s front room to their local butchers and even a steam engine from way back in Sheffield’s history. What caught my eye though was an allotment he’d done for someone. My father used to have an allotment and had taken some photos of it and asked my daughter if she could do him a painting of it. However, try as she might she couldn’t get it quite right. A miniature would have been fantastic!

Try as I might I couldn’t think of many smiles that were personal to me for last month, but I hope you like the stories I stumbled across!

Anyway, keep looking for the positives, however tiny they might be!

Newcastle well and truly United!

On the morning of the first leg of the Champions League play off in Azerbaijan you could be forgiven for thinking that Newcastle United were in crisis. If you were thick as two short planks that is. Never mind the truth, the media were having a right go at stirring things up.

In the days leading up to the tie there’d been numerous ‘stories’ concerning Toon players wanting to leave. Sandro Tonali was unhappy and wanted to go back to Italy, but Arsenal, Man Utd and Manchester City were ready to bid, so of course his departure was a formality. Anthony Gordon would be subject of a bid from Liverpool come summer. According to the BBC Nick Woltemade, was homesick and wanted to either go to Bayern Munich or just back to Stuttgart, despite a report that said anything but. And then of course Tino Livramento was off to Manchester City for…a bargain £40m.

Having had his tactics and future questioned for the last few weeks, we were then told that Spurs were coming in for Eddie Howe to replace Thomas Frank. So, of course this being a London club we’d be looking for a new manager come May, what with the capital’s glamour and how the streets are paved with gold.

Throw in the questioning of our summer transfer window, with Anthony Elanga and Jacob Ramsey both being labelled a colossal waste of money by some of the internet’s finest ‘Big 6’ fans and this was going to be a tricky tie.

And yet, we started like a train and were two up after 8 minutes and five up at half time having played brilliantly. It could and should have been more. What was a fluid, professional and lethal Newcastle attacking performance was somehow thwarted again and again by Qarabag keeper Mateusz Kochalski who was surely having the game of his life.

By the end, although we had conceded a consolation goal, we ended the game as 6-1 winners and had all but in name booked our place in the next round of the Champions League. Four goals for Anthony Gordon, some lovely stuff from Nick Woltemade, another goal for Malick Thiaw, a Dan Burn trivela assist, the return of Joelinton and a promising if brief debut for Sean Neave. Twenty two shots with 14 on target.

Six goals away from home in the Champions League. Regardless of who we were playing, not many teams have done that or will go on to do that. An excellent performance and a trip to remember for nearly two thousand of the best fans around.

Whatever the reports say, whatever way the media want to continually try and destabilise this club and however the ITKs want to earn their living, this was Newcastle United in name and in nature. A team running and fighting for each other. And all with smiling faces.

On to the quarter finals and bring on whoever it needs to be. Howay the lads!

NUFC in the Champions League – The alternative guide to Qarabag.

A long, long time ago in an internet galaxy far away…I used to write some stuff for a short lived NUFC fan site called The Pride of England (as in “Geordies are the…” an old, old song we sang back in the 80s & 90s). We were eager to provide something a little bit different in our approach to supporting the club and this meant that we looked at things in a bit of an irreverent style. And so it was a case of letting my imagination run wild…and making stuff up.

So, with irreverence, outright lies and a bit of fun in mind, I thought I’d relive the old days and write a guide to our next Champions League opponents, Qarabag, because let’s face it, where all of our knowledge of Azerbaijan is concerned, anything could pass for the truth.

Qarabag is situated in the Southern Caucasus region which covers the south west of Azerbaijan and Eastern Armenia. However the football team have been based in the Azerbaijani capital of Baku since 1993 rather than their spiritual home of Aghdam, which is actually over 200 miles away. The move was brought about by conflict in the Aghdam region making it unsafe to host football there.

The currency of Azerbaijan is the manat but this is largely unavailable in the UK simply because no one has ever heard of it. Instead, you’re advised to take Euros to exchange for manat once you get there, but a stash of Greggs delicacies and vintage Geordie jeans may actually make the exchange rate more favourable.

On your approach to Baku you may spot a few things that seem strangely familiar. For instance, certain parts of the outer Baku region like Marra are famous for the interbreeding of their donkeys, while places like Wheyskeyz and Nonse are run down and have what look like really shit versions of the Tyne Bridge. Strangely, all are twinned with sunderland.

Fancy a fun fact? Well, you’re getting one anyway. Qarabag’s president Tahir Gozel is a massive fan of mahogany tinted Yorkshire antique dealer, David Dickinson and runs his Azerbaijani fan club. He’s even been on Bargain Hunt back in the day. But it doesn’t end there. Not only is the training ground sponsored by Piz Buin but their home stadium is named the Azersun Arena and azersun is actually the Azerbaijani word for aftersun. Clearly, while the president loves Dicko, he’s also mindful of taking his tanning routine too far.

Two of Qarabag’s star players are branching out in a pretty successful sideline. Winger Leandro Andrade and central defender Kevin ‘Funky Cold’ Medina have been testing the water as love gurus. In fact, when the pair aren’t scoring on the pitch, they’re advising local men how to score with the ladies in their sex advice column, Shagger, written exclusively every month for the Qarabag matchday programme. In fact, such is the success of the column, the pair are about to launch a podcast along the same lines. Good luck on the sexual airwaves, lads.

Meanwhile, Qarabag goalkeeper Shahrudin Mahammadaliyev has a name that will score you 400 in Scrabble, ending any game immediately.

Interestingly, Qarabag run out to The Bay City Roller’s banger ‘Shangalang’. It’s not because it’s an absolute tune either. No, in fact the word shangalang actually roughly translates as ‘get into these’ in Azerbaijani.

If you’re off to the first leg, keep your eyes peeled for the local hooligans. Known as Baku Offa Oglan Balas their name roughly translates into Baku Aggro Boys. So if you see BOOBS written on a nearby wall, don’t build your hopes up; make a swift exit instead.

What you could do is perhaps make your way to imaginatively named local bar, Beer Station Pub which actually serves a local beer called ChitFyased coming in at a heady 14% volume. Be careful not to neck too much though or you might end up dangerously…surely you’ve got that joke? No? Wait a bit…think about that beer… it’ll land eventually.

Finally, if you notice any empty seats in the home areas of the Tofiq Bahramov stadium on Wednesday, remember that Qarabag play a long way from home. But also, a Japanese car giant have a large factory on the outskirts of the nation’s capital, so you could always just blame the Baku shift at Nissan!

So, there you have it, hopefully a useful and fairly comprehensive guide to all things Qarabag. Or just a load of juvenile lies with no offence meant…you decide!

Back on the roads again…

Just under a couple of weeks ago I took part in the Dewsbury 10k and having had time to reflect, as well as rest my aching legs, I thought I’d write a few thoughts down.

If you’re a regular reader you’ll know that I love running. I don’t think I’m quite at ‘running bore’ stage just yet, but I’m having a good go. And if you’re a regular reader you’ll know that for around the last year or so I’ve struggled to train consistently through illness and injury. For Dewsbury I was running on the back of only three training runs, brought about because of a chest infection and sinus problem that knocked me flat for just over a month.

In my final training run I’d dragged myself around a 10k route in just under an hour. It was horrible and I felt like death warmed up, but I’d gotten round. My attitude to Dewsbury was that I needed to just get round…and try and be a little quicker and less embarrassing!

Despite it all I was genuinely excited about running the night before and I woke up feeling pretty optimistic too. Better still, I felt reasonably healthy.

Thankfully it was a decent morning, weatherwise, with the sun making a rare February appearance and the wind barely blowing at all. Perfect conditions for running!

As ever with a race it was a battle to get through the start with a crowd of us just plodding forwards as the numbers gradually cleared in front of us, but once I got through the start line and into my running I felt pretty good. I’d decided to go out steadily and then up the pace as we turned for home at the 3 mile mark, but on the few occasions that I checked my pace I was always quicker than expected and I knew that this would probably catch up with me.

The Dewsbury course is reasonably flat though, with the first half going slightly uphill and the second half heading back down. Still though, I was right about my legs! It wasn’t long before I was feeling the strain, but it helped that I knew the roads and was obviously aware that every step was getting me closer to that 10k mark. So it was just a case of gritting my teeth and getting on with it.

The final mile felt like it might never end and frequently checking my watch wasn’t helping! But I managed to stay focused and ignore the fact that one of my hamstrings was cramping a bit and kept going.

As ever, seeing my family at the side of the road gave me a welcome boost and spurred me on a bit, so as I got to the final third of a mile or so I was really pushing myself. The trouble was, I couldn’t see the finish! At Dewsbury the finish is around a corner at the end of a long straight road and if I’m honest, it was killing me not being able to see it! Even when I rounded that final bend it still looked far too far away! However, knowing that I’d be finished the race in a matter of seconds, I just decided to sprint as best I could.

I could hear footsteps behind me; obviously anyone with any energy left is trying to sprint in these circumstances, and a glance over my shoulder told me that several people were intent on getting past me. Despite my age and lack of fitness these days I’m still very competitive though, so only one person passed me before the line, a young woman who was literally flat out sprinting! Fair play to her!

In the end, despite the lack of training, I finished in just over 54 minutes and although I’d have loved to have gone quicker, I couldn’t help but be pleased with my efforts. In fact, such were my efforts that when I came to drive home I couldn’t lower the clutch without my calf cramping up, resulting in about another 15 minutes spent stretching by the car before it was safe to go home!

Next up is the Wakefield 10k on 22nd March, which gives me a decent amount of time to increase my fitness and be ready to give things a real go. Well, that’s the plan anyway!

Gallowgate Cult Heroes – David McCreery

Sometimes it’s not the silky skills, the blistering pace or the ability to conjour a goal out of nothing that makes a player a hero to a fanbase. Sometimes, it’s just down to pure graft and commitment. Our next cult hero had those things in spades.

Long before people started labelling players as things like ‘a six’ or a ‘holding midfielder’ we had players like David McCreery who did the dirty work, breaking up attacks and keeping things simple while running himself into the ground for the cause. Often it seemed that he was the focal point of the team, flying into tackles and winning the ball back in order to give it to someone to start another attack in those exciting first Keegan years.

Having played for both Manchester United and QPR, McCreery arrived on Tyneside fresh from representing Northern Ireland in the 1982 World Cup. McCreery had done well in a surprisingly positive World Cup campaign for Northern Ireland – only a defeat to France kept them out of the semi finals – and was named in the team of the tournament. Yet still he was almost unknown to Toon fans when he signed from Tulsa Roughnecks. But what an impact he’d make.

McCreery went on to make 272 appearances for the club, helping us win promotion in 1984 and staying until 1989. He was instrumental in the 1984 promotion season where despite the obvious glamour and flair of the likes of Keegan, Beardsley and Waddle, McCreery’s work rate and bravery was very much appreciated by Newcastle fans. He had a kind of scuttling running style and would race around making interceptions and breaking up opposition attacks, doing the dirty work that allowed the flair players to play. All of this way before it was trendy to be that kind of player!

Despite his somewhat small stature David seemed to be in possession of the heart of a lion. He never shirked a challenge and his work rate was superb. I’d liken him to someone like N’Golo Kante in modern terms; selfless, brave and not without the odd moment of skill. It’s safe to say that the St. James’ Park crowd took him to their hearts from very early on in his Toon career and his tough tackling approach is still fondly remembered today by those of us of a certain vintage, despite the superstar nature of the team that he started in.

Leaving Newcastle in 1989, David would go on to play for Hearts, Hartlepool (twice), Coleraine and Carlisle United before retiring from playing. Then it was into management with Carlisle and Hartlepool before his career took a bit of a swerve and he ended up in America in a role with the MLS. Later his globetrotting took him to Argentina where he took on a football consultant role.

David would also manage successfully in both Myanmar and Malaysia and nowadays he’s involved in the development of football in the UAE.

Davey Mac; a tough tackling number 6 before the internet had even thought of it and a Gallowgate Cult Hero!